joke

"I started a joke, which started the whole world crying,
but I didn't see that the joke was on me, oh no.

I started to cry, which started the whole world laughing,
oh, if I'd only seen that the joke was on me.

I looked at the skies, running my hands over my eyes,
and I fell out of bed, hurting my head from things that I'd said.

Til I finally died, which started the whole world living,
oh, if I'd only seen that the joke was on me."

It was the first time I work alongside a lesbian. She was (and still is) a good boss, a great friend and wonderful mentor. As a team, we were (and still are) efficient, aggressive and the clients loved us. I got really interested in her. I sms-ed her. And we fell in love.

I was curious, selfish and irresponsible.

She was honest, trusting and faithful. And still is.

I told her I could eschew my religion, convince my loved ones and be with her for a very long time. We planned a wedding away from disapproving eyes. We named our first son. We made a 45-year plan.

Then the guilt came. And the arguments began.

Eryn said I was just a lonely soul searching for love and companionship, be it from a man or woman. So what's wrong with that? I defiantly answered. Plenty of Christians are hypocrites, unequally yoked and some just act righteous and churchey in public. I am a sinner, yes, but who isn't?

I reasoned. I justified. I tried to be more generous, benevolent and friendly to others.

But I still felt the immense pressure and nagging guilt.

Now, I'm struggling and she's suffering. I started this and I should put an end to this. Everybody knows. But it's not easy. She's done no wrong except for loving me as fiercely and unconditionally as she could. I'm the asshole who promised her the world and all I've delivered is just hurt and lies. She is the best partner for life anyone could ask for, but she has to lose out everytime because she doesn't have a penis? This is not right! This is unfair!

But I really don't know how to make it right.